The Shape of My Heart Read online

  “We could go for a ride.”

  To me, it seemed like Max didn’t want to be alone tonight. He rode his bike when he was running from something, but he’d never invited me along. There was no excuse to refuse since classes hadn’t started up again. I made a snap decision.

  “Okay, let me get a jacket.” My pants and concert T-shirt were fine, so I added boots and a hoodie with a skull on the back.

  “That was fast.” He jiggled his keys with one hand and grabbed me with the other, yanking me out of the apartment and down the stairs. As we approached his bike, he asked, “Have you ever ridden one of these before?”

  “What do you think?” I was curious what he’d say.

  “Probably...yes.”

  “You are correct, sir. Don’t worry, it’s not my first time.”

  “If you knew how happy it makes me to hear that.” He flashed a flirty grin over one shoulder, but I identified it as bullshit.

  The wounded eyes? Those were real. Not this. So I put on the helmet and wrapped my arms around his waist, content to be the warm body on the back of his bike. I didn’t need to be beautiful to be a friend when he needed one.

  Just for a few seconds, he set his hands over mine, where they rested on his abs. “Hold on tight. I’m about to show you something amazing.”

  CHAPTER TWO

  “Where the hell are we going?” I yelled.

  Max didn’t answer, but he turned off the highway, so the going got much rougher, and I tightened my arms around his waist. We bounced along for another mile, following the natural curve of the road. Before I saw the rapids, I heard the rush of the river, audible as the motorcycle dropped to lower idle. He parked the bike and I swung off, unnerved by the complete darkness. Without speaking, he led me through a tangle of branches.

  “If you want to freak me out, it’s working.”

  “Trust me.” His fingers folded around mine, and I clutched tight.

  ∆Out here there was only the fast-moving water, the wind through the leaves and the chirp of insects. When we emerged from the trees, my breath caught. The sky opened up before me in an endless stream of stars with the river cascading below, tumbling over the rocks in a burst of white foam. Moonlight shimmered on the water, a fairy trail luring men to their doom, if you believed in old legends.

  “Wow. How did you find this place?”

  “I drive around at night...a lot.” He wore a contemplative look as he added, “‘It is Earth’s eye—looking into which the beholder measures the depth of his own nature.’”

  “Did you seriously just quote Thoreau?” I didn’t mean to sound so surprised since I knew as well as anyone that Max was smarter than he let on.

  “Are you judging a book by its cover?”

  “Sorry, reflex. Please continue astounding me with your big brain.”

  “No, now you went and made me self-conscious. But just look... It’s amazing, right?”

  I nodded. “Just like you promised.”

  “Come out, just a little farther.” He led me onto a rise overlooking the river. “I sleep out here sometimes.”

  “Nadia’s convinced you’re hooking up or crashing at the garage when you don’t come home.” It was weird saying that to a guy, like we were family or something, but sometimes it actually felt as if we were.

  “The garage office reeks of oil and sweaty ass.”

  “I can see why you’d prefer it here, though I’d probably wet my pants the first time an owl hooted. Is that a thing?”

  “Yes, there are owls here, city girl.”

  “Hey, I was born in Chicago, and my mother is opposed to camping on principle. ‘Our people have wandered the wilderness long enough and from now on, we sleep in warm beds.’”

  “She sounds opinionated.”

  “You have no idea.”

  “Sit down. Unless you’re scared.”

  “No, I’m okay.” Though I wasn’t quite sure why he’d brought me out here, I couldn’t deny that it was beautiful. I plopped down beside him, crossing my legs in a crooked Lotus pose.

  Max let out a shaky breath, staring out at the river. He was careful not to look at me. “I got a call from my dad today.”

  From what I knew of Max—not a whole lot, granted, as he didn’t talk much about his past—that was a huge deal. In the three years we’d been hanging out, he’d never mentioned his family. “Yeah?”

  “My grandfather died.” His tone gave me no clue how to react, and the shadows were too deep for me to read his expression.

  “Okay, so is this a ‘wow, I’m so sorry’ moment, or more ‘thank God the old bastard’s finally gone’? Give me something here, Max.”

  He sat in silence for a few moments. “Little from column A, little from column B. See, I come from a long line of violent assholes. Good drinkers, too, proud, easily offended, even though none of us have ever amounted to shit.”

  “Looks to me like that streak ends with you.” I put my hand on his where it rested on his knee, and he leaned toward me. Not going for a kiss but to rest his head on my shoulder.

  “You always know what to say.” His voice was softer, warmed by my smooth talk.

  “So what’re you doing about the funeral? Do you want me to help you pick out a floral arrangement or something?”

  “No, that’s the thing. I brought you out here, hoping the incredible scenery would make you willing to do me a favor.”

  “What’s that?” He had no pets and no classes yet that I could audit for him and take notes. So I was drawing a blank as to what Max could possibly need from me.

  “I was hoping you’d come home with me. To Providence.”

  “What? Why?” Those were the first of many questions to sputter out of me.

  “I haven’t been back since I went away to school, and I can’t be alone with my dad, not even for a minute. It...won’t be good.”

  I submerged the impulse to ask, Isn’t there anyone else? Because I knew the answer already, and I wouldn’t force-feed him that vulnerability on top of the shit sandwich life had already forced him to sample. But I couldn’t just pack a bag and ride off without some basic fact-finding. “How long will we be gone?”

  “It’s a twelve-hour drive, but we’ll take regular breaks since you aren’t used to a long haul on the bike. I’m guessing five days, including travel.”

  “Wait, we’re taking the motorcycle all the way to Rhode Island?”

  As he turned his head, the moon popped out from behind a cloud, illuminating his smile. “You said we. So I guess so.”

  “If I’m crazy enough to do this, you owe me some insider info on why.”

  “Why?”

  “You know what I’m asking. Why can’t you be polite long enough to put your grandfather in the ground? Or whatever you shegetz boys do.” I spoke the last sentence in a teasing tone.

  Max got out his phone and turned it on, bright enough to startle me, then he pushed back the tumble of black hair, revealing a thin white scar. The screen flickered off, leaving me with the impression of his tan skin, dark eyes and the mark in sharp contrast. “I got that from my dad when I was eleven. Beer bottle. He chucked it, I didn’t duck in time.”

  “Damn.”

  “It’s not the only childhood souvenir.” He shrugged like it didn’t matter. “But that’s not why I can’t forgive him.”

  “What happened?”

  “Right now, I need an answer. Will you come?”

  Angus and I didn’t have jobs, unlike Max and Nadia. Even if they disapproved of me, my parents still sent a regular allowance and paid my tuition. So there was no reason I couldn’t go to Providence with him; I just wasn’t sure it was a good idea. Some intuitive part of my brain sensed that it would change everything.

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Thanks so much, Kaufman. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

  “Because you don’t want to miss the services?”

  Max shook his head. “My brother will be there.”

 
Before I could ask, he pushed to his feet, dusted off his ass and offered his hand. I took it and let him tow me upright. We retraced our steps back to the bike as I pondered how bad this was likely to be. My family might not be perfect, but nothing like this; it was only a matter of me refusing to conform to expectations, and my mother’s weapon of choice was guilt. He swung onto the motorcycle and I got on after him, troubled for reasons I couldn’t articulate.

  The ride back to the apartment felt faster, probably because I knew where we were going. Angus still wasn’t home, so I just nodded a good-night to Max and headed to my huge, half-empty room. He surprised me by following, pausing in the doorway as if waiting for an invite.

  “You can come in,” I said.

  “I wasn’t sure. But I just wanted to tell you to be ready by seven.”

  “Oh, my God. It’s already midnight. Go to bed, Max.” After setting my alarm, I got ready, packed a backpack and followed my own advice.

  In the morning, Max tapped on my door as I was lacing up my boots. I’d packed a black dress and some flats, along with clean panties and a few spare T-shirts. The cargo pants would have to last until we got back. Fortunately, riding on the back of his bike wouldn’t even faze my hair, no need for curling iron or straightener. That made it easier to travel light.

  “Ready?” he asked as I stepped out.

  “Yeah. Let’s go.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You said that last night.”

  “I want to be sure it comes across. There’s no way I could go back by myself.”

  A small, curious part of me noticed that he didn’t say home but it seemed like the wrong time to dig into his motivations. Pausing in the kitchen, I rearranged the fridge magnets to read: Gone. Back Later. I’d text Angus at a more respectable hour and explain the situation, assuming this wasn’t top secret for reasons unknown to me.

  “We can’t do this in one day,” Max said as he stuffed our bags in the top box. “Or you’ll be too sore to move afterward.”

  “Promises, promises.” It was the sort of joke I always made, expecting him to goof back with me.

  Max paused, frowning. “I don’t think that’s hot. Or funny.”

  “Huh?”

  “Fucking a woman so hard it hurts her. The idea makes me sick, actually.” That was more sincerity than I generally got from Max in a week, but it was too early for me to parse.

  “There’s a difference between being pleasantly tender, the result of good, rough sex, and crawling away from the bedroom all bruised and bloody.”

  “I know, sorry. That’s just...one of my hot buttons.”

  Pausing, I wondered about that story, but it wasn’t the time to ask. “No problem. Shall we roll out?”

  The weather was perfect for taking to the open road, sunny sky in summer blue, not a cloud in sight. After two hours on the bike, I understood what he meant, though. It wasn’t like riding in a car; my arms were tired from holding on to him and my ass was numb, both from the pavement and the vibrations. Just past ten in the morning, he pulled off at a rest plaza in Ohio. The place was huge, almost like an auto-mall, plenty of parking, three fast food places, picnic tables, a strip of green for pets. I stumbled as I swung my leg over, and it hurt when I straightened my back; I had been leaning forward, pressed against Max for too long.

  “Sorry. I should’ve stopped sooner. You hungry?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t have anything before we took off.”

  “Me, either.”

  “I need the bathroom first, so I’ll meet you in the food court.”

  I used the facilities, washed my hands and stopped, drawn by my reflection. Mirrors were too honest, showing me a woman with a sharp nose and deep-set eyes. I used the purple hair to distract from my face, like a male bird strutting his colorful plumage. My body wasn’t bad, though I carried extra weight in trunk and saddlebag. I’d long since come to terms with the fact that I didn’t attract looks from across a crowded room. In fact, I was pretty used to being the grenade a wingman would fall on in order to give his buddy a shot at my hot friend.

  But on a global scale, problems like that were minuscule, and I was smiling when I found Max waiting with my favorite breakfast sandwich. Pretending to check it over, I sat down across the table from him. “Hmm. Bacon. Egg. Cheese. This passes inspection.”

  “Glad to hear it. I didn’t know if you wanted coffee or juice so I got both.”

  “Then I’ll drink both. How’re you holding up?”

  “You make me sound decrepit. We haven’t been riding that long.”

  Dropping my voice, I leaned forward, as if I was about to whisper a dirty secret. Max met me halfway. “I meant emotionally.”

  “Oh. Then I’m wrecked.” The flat tone belied the truth I glimpsed in his eyes. “I don’t even know if my brother will talk to me.”

  “What happened?”

  “You want my sad life story in a travel plaza?”

  Put that way, it sounded wrong, but I couldn’t deny my curiosity. So I ate my breakfast sandwich and followed him back outside, where I stretched for, like, five minutes. Max did the same, then we continued the trip. Though he was considerate and stopped every two hours so I could move around, by the time we hit the middle of Pennsylvania I was ready to call it quits. I’d have paid big money for a hot tub, but we stopped at an interstate motel, no Jacuzzis to be had, and I’d rather eat a bug than risk a yeast infection by soaking in a strange bathtub.

  Max offered to spring for my room, but it seemed stupid for him to pay double. “Just get one with two beds. It’s not a big deal.”

  “Thanks. I’m doing this on a shoestring budget.”

  I could’ve told him that I had plenty of money and a decent limit on my plastic, but I suspected he’d be offended. It was a point of pride for Max to pay my way since he’d asked me along for reasons I didn’t entirely understand. Arms crossed, I waited by the motorcycle while he went into the office, and when he came out, he had the room keys.

  “Come on, we’re around back.”

  Climbing on the bike made me wince, so I could only imagine how I’d feel tomorrow. Worth it for a friend, I told myself. Max parked and handed me the keycards.

  “Go on up, I’ll bring dinner. Are you in the mood for anything in particular?”

  I shook my head. “Get my backpack? I’ll shower while you’re gone.”

  “Good idea.”

  “Some women might find that offensive, Cooper.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  Grinning, I took my bag and jogged stiffly up the rusted external steps. This place was a step down from a Red Roof Inn, and the room was about as depressing as I expected: dated decor in overly bright hues with hutch, tiny dining set and grubby, striped arm chair. But at least there was a coffeepot and a relatively new TV. Usually the smell gave away the worst places, and this only gave off a musty scent, like a room that had been closed up too long. The windows didn’t open so I turned on the air conditioner, which banged to the point that I imagined tiny gnomes inside the radiator with wee hammers. The added ventilation helped, though, and I got my pajamas, then went into the bathroom.

  Water pressure was decent, and I took my time scrubbing off the road dust. By the time I came out, drying my hair on a scratchy towel, Max had pizza and beer waiting at the chipped table. He’d seen my pj’s countless times before, so he didn’t blink as I came over to get a slice of extra cheese, extra mushrooms and peppers.

  “No meat?” I asked.

  “Seems safer this way since we’re traveling tomorrow.”

  I grinned. “Your forethought is both impressive and disturbing.”

  The pizza wasn’t bad for a random dive, certainly not the worst, though it didn’t compare to the deep-dish Chicago-style I’d grown up on. After dinner, I propped up on my bed and checked my phone for the first time all day. I had a text from Angus and two from my mother. Angus had just replied with Finally eloped with Max, huh? Name your firstborn after me. Boy, girl
or other, doesn’t matter. Make good choices! Sighing, I read the maternal messages next.

  Ma, text one: Why aren’t you picking up?

  Ma, text two: Where are you? I tried the house phone. Are you avoiding me?

  Yes. That’s the only reason I wouldn’t answer.

  She hadn’t wanted me to move out of the dorms until I told her my roommate was into illegal drugs. Then she’d supported the apartment idea wholeheartedly. Since she regarded spontaneity as her nemesis, she’d be pissed about this trip. I could hear her already: Vacations should be planned, Courtney. You can’t just take off this way.

  I typed back, I’m hanging out with a friend. What’s up? That was sort of true, right?

  “Everything okay?”

  “Hmm?”

  “You look pissed.”

  “It’s just my mother, trying to track my movements. I’m surprised she hasn’t chipped me like a Chihuahua. Though if she has, you’ll probably be arrested for kidnapping.” I smirked, rubbing the back of my neck as if searching for parental hardware.

  He paused with a slice halfway to his mouth. “You know, that sounds like it sucks, but I also wonder what it would be like to have a parent so...invested.”

  “Your mother’s not around?”

  “She died when I was five, having my brother. Amniotic fluid embolism. I was fourteen before I even knew what that meant.”

  I still don’t. Mentally I made a note to look it up on Google ASAP. “So your brother’s sixteen? What’s his name?”

  Max nodded. “Michael, but everyone calls him Mickey. Or...they did. I haven’t seen him since my dad kicked me out.”

  “Wait, what?” I figured he’d just put up with a shitty home life until he got accepted at Mount Albion, and then he was all Sayonara, suckers.

  “Yeah. I’ve been on my own since I was sixteen.”

  “Did things get worse with your dad?” I asked.

  “You could say that,” Max said quietly. “That was when I put my brother in a wheelchair for life.”

  CHAPTER THREE

  So many questions ricocheted around my brain, but Max’s shoulders were pulled up almost to his ears, his chin nearly on the table. Without looking at me, he shredded the napkin in his hands into four pieces and then in half again. The waning sunshine streaming in the smeared window behind him haloed his dark hair, so that the highlights shone blue instead of tawny or copper.